Calm Down Girl

I was explaining to Punkin this morning that when I woke up this morning I immediately started crying and I couldn't stop and I didn't know why. After I got thinking about it, I do know why...I just chose to erase it out of my memory, but I would be glad to share it with you.

I have decided to take a few days off of the bottle. I have decided that it would probably be very good for my health....emotionally and physically.

I use my cell phone as my alarm clock in the morning, so not only does it take the risk of getting chucked across the room every morning, but I get the opportunity of seeing if anyone called or texted me while I was asleep. I woke up this morning to a text message:

"Where are you drinking tonight?" It was sent at 1 in the morning, when...mind you...I was fast asleep.

What the fuck does that mean? Are you implying that I go out drinking every mother fucking night? I was offended and starting crying and couldn't stop...and didn't make it into work until about 3 hours later.

I think this time off will do me some good. I am not saying how long it is going to last. I just said that I would take some time off. I am going on day three.

Good Eats

I feel like a fat-ass today. I ate a Kashi Pumpkin Spice Flax granola bar for breakfast, a chocolate protein shake for lunch, and a coke zero and stick of orbit gum for dinner, but then watched a television program on the national pie making contest, another one showing Alton Brown creating some kind of stuffing-filled squash, and then a third show investigating the origins of the Milky Way candy bar and the french dip sandwich. That doesn't even touch the cake orgy I viewed last night (see. I feel like purging just from the food on TV. Help.

I'm Working 9 to 5

I travel quite frequently for work. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she tends to worry when I go out of town because sometimes I am by myself . I told her not to worry because I was with Punkin and everything was going to be alright. I proceeded to tell her that rumor had it our hotel was not in a very nice part of town and that she had nothing to worry about.

She told me that I should start checking out the virtual Google maps before I book my hotel rooms so I know what the neighborhood is like before I go. And my response was...

"Mom, it still won't show the hookers standing on the corner."

"Yes it will Muffin, if they work 24 hours a day."

Trick or Treat!

It took more than a little persuasion to get my friends to finally agree to throw a Halloween party with me. Now it has become a hit, and even though they still reluctantly agree every year to help me host it, I seem to convince them. This year, however, I am scheduled to be out of town on Halloween. Suddenly, Halloween is their favorite holiday and they can't wait to throw the party (and then rub it in that I won't be there). Bitter? Yes, but at what point did this turn into High School?

Some Things Never Change

I am quitting my day job to become a professional sheetrock mudder. And of course I will still remain a professional smoker and drinker by night. That will never change.

No, I Don't Need a Seeing Eye Dog.

I was sitting at the bar last night, as I usually do on days that end in 'y'. And this gentleman that was sitting next to us starts talking to us. I was trying not to pay attention to him because I found him to be particularly obnoxious. He confirmed my beliefs by having the following conversation with me.

Obnoxious Man: "Can you read lips?"

Me: Blank stare

Obnoxious Man: Continues to pull down his bottom lip to reveal a tattoo that reads "F*ck You"

Me: "Can you read hand gestures?" As I quickly extended my middle finger.

Seriously. Of all the tattoos. Why?

Istanbul not Constantinople?

I went out with a boy the other day...after our night we were texting each other and he continued to tell me that when he got home "I had a cute black girl waiting for me here. Think I'll sleep on the couch with her tonight. Her name is Penny." Instantly I pictured a small Ethiopian woman that this incredibly attractive man I had just spent the evening with was going to snuggle up on the couch with that night instead of me. Yes, I was slightly jealous. It was not until days later that I realized Penny was his dog. Which, by the way, makes him that much more attractive.

Let's Give Them Something To Talk About

I just got this idea that drunk blogging might be kind of fun. Because I think I am pretty damn special while intoxicated. And, I might actually have something to talk about...

Filthy Gorgeous

I have this new habit of sleeping with earplugs in. My house is generally very quiet, my roommate hardly makes a peep, and I have never had such an urge in the past. Why now, you ask? Well, I just saw some at Walgreen's and thought, "Ooh! earplugs!"

Calling Dr. John's

I was watching television the other day. I live in a fairly reserved state and could not believe the commercial that I randomly encountered while watching Pride and Prejudice. It was a commercial promoting dildo's. There slogan was:

Sometimes Harder is Not Always Better.

It was accompanied with a picture of a jack hammer and a feather.

I am not sure that I quite agree with them.

E-I-E-I-O

So, since my cute little Punkin of a partner is temporarily out of blogging service, I guess I will just keep on going.

I have been taking these nutrition classes to try to better the food that my body consumes, and in turn could afford to drop a few pounds in the meantime. So, I can tell you so far I have consumed more chickens than Old MacDonald has on his farm. In order to cook this chicken so that it doesn't taste like rubber or dry old cotton I recently purchased a George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine. I went to my local Wal-Mart and picked one up, however I didn't have the chance to use it until I was on my vacation. So, I busted it out of the box and opened it up and it was USED!!! Someone had literally cooked a piece of meat, decided that it wasn't that mean of a machine after all and returned it to the store without washing it...and Wal-Mart instantly put it back on the shelf for Muffin to buy.

I was mortified. So, I cleaned it, cooked my chicken on it and returned it back to Wal-Mart.

Common Courtesy

I had the opportunity to spend a weekend at Lake Powell with my slightly crazy, hectic family. I was riding on the tube with my 7 year old nephew and as we were being bumped and pulled around, the conversation went as follows:

"Muffin, how much do you weigh?"

"Hasn't your mother taught you that you shouldn't ask women how much they weigh? Why do you want to know?"

"Because this tube can only handle 500 pounds."

"I am pretty sure that we will be alright."

Sometimes You Are The Dog, Sometimes You Are The Tree.

So, I ran into a kid that I went to Elementary, Jr. High and High School with. We talked about some people that we knew, memories and all of that good shit. And then I had this weird feeling that he didn't really remember me, I just remember him.

"Do you remember who I am?"

"Of course I do, you were the only girl in 5th grade with big boobs."

Now, I slightly regret asking him.

Are you in a country mood?

I was at home with a friend last night in the middle of dinner when her son called and asked if he could stop by and pick up a baby blanket she had made. He was going to a baby shower and needed a gift. When he arrived, much to my dismay, he had brought his friend Chris. Now Chris is notorious for his somewhat bitchy demeanor and snide comments, so I usually have to bite my tongue. Tonight was no exception.

My friend brought out a grocery bag with the blanket folded neatly inside and handed it to her son. He folded down the plastic bag to reveal a green blanket with small frogs scattered on the surface. 

"That's cute, I have wrapping paper just like that," I said.

"What, the Wal-Mart bag?" he queried.

I bit my tongue.

My home isn't a mansion by any means, but I'm single and live alone, so it serves me quite well, so when Chris mentioned wanting to buy his own place I said, "That's what I thought until I bought this."

Coolly, he replied, "Well it's not bad if you can actually afford it."

I bit my tongue harder.

After some discussion on the subject of baby showers, they stood up to leave.

"Thank you for letting us in to your... humble abode," Chris mocked.

I bit my tongue just long enough for the door to close. Then I called him an f-word at the top of my voice. I'm sure he heard.

If It's Yellow, Let it Mellow

Note to Self:

If you drop your cell phone in the toilet. Just leave it there. It's not going to work when you fish it out anyway.

Bag It.

Picture this. Driving into a dark parking garage to park your car. You get out of the car and there is this sound that is somewhat familiar to you, but you don't typically hear it in a parking garage. I have heard it mostly at funerals, but I was pretty sure that I didn't go to a funeral. You guessed it, bagpipes. And then I thought to myself..."Where else does one go to practice bagpipes?" Oh, that's right. The parking garage.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater.

So, they have this cool new thing on the airplane where you can play an interactive trivia game amongst the other passengers. I log in, thinking that I was a pretty smart muffin. To my dismay, I am dumber than I had originally thought.

But, I continue to play anyway. Hoping to enhance my trivia knowledge. I was currently sitting in the window seat, and I noticed that the guy in the aisle was also playing. Now, I totally used to cheat on tests in school. But, why did I feel so compelled to cheat at a dumb ass trivia game that means absolutely nothing and gives me no nutritional value? I was literally looking at his screen for the correct answer so that I could get it right and have the highest score, AND I was trying to be super sly about it...duh. Who does that?

I do.

That shirt isn't hiding a thing

You know when you squeeze a mostly-empty bottle of chocolate syrup over vanilla ice cream and it makes that gurgling noise as small streams of the topping explode into the bowl?

I was that hungover.

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures

So, I don't consider myself to be much of a sober person. At all. But, for some reason I found it rather humorous this morning when I was at the gas station and there was a guy that looked like he rolled off of his recliner, put his beer down and walked to the gas station to buy a 24 pack of Budweiser...at 10:00 in the morning.

My motto is "When you need a beer, you just need a god damn beer." No matter what time of day it is. It was the highlight of my day.

Have You Seen My Mother?

Offended? Of course I am. The story went as follows:

I was standing right next to one of my really good friends last night, who happens to be the exact same age as I am and we just happen to have very similar features. A lady walks up to us and has the balls to ask...

"Are you his mother?"

Never, have I wanted to punch someone square in the kisser so bad in my whole entire life.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ms. Alice White!

Some people have said that I have a drinking problem.

I didn't have a problem drinking a beer and two bottles of wine last night. 

Jesus Take the Wheel

As I was backing out of my drive-way this morning, I decided that I am completely and utterly white trash. If you haven't had the chance to drive by my house recently...I currently have two tires chained to my fence with a gigantic For Sale sign next to them. I will proudly admit that those tires are mine...and I will also tell you that I have not received one phone call on them since they have been chained to the fence...3 months ago. People are starting to think that they are a permanent lawn decoration. I promise, they will go away soon. And then I won't be so white trash anymore.

All of the Above

I feel like I should probably write about my weekend full of arrests, three-somes and drinking heavily. But, I kind of want to let your imagination take it's course. Therefore, that is what I am going to do.

Suburban Hell

While using a radial saw to cut through a length of fence that was leaning against two white plastic patio chairs, I noticed that I had entirely cut through the left arm of one of them. It was the middle of the day, but I felt like I was going to get in some kind of trouble for making so much noise in my back yard. Then the neighbor came out and made a ruckus in his yard, so I put the saw away and went inside.

I hate the attention.

It's Just a Speed Bump

We all know that I love to live life at a glacial pace...but, today was the tip of the iceberg. I thought that they posted speed limits so that you could exceed them whenever possible. Is that not true?

My average speed to work this morning was about 17. The average speed limit sign was probably 64...when you take into consideration the fact that you are supposed to exceed them. Do you see my frustration?

Sometimes, a burrito is just a burrito

I was sitting on my couch playing video games tonight when there is a sudden knock on the front door. I wasn't expecting anyone, but got up to answer it anyway. In this area, there aren't a lot of visitors because of the inherently "shady" aspect of the streets, but without so much as a second thought, I swung the door open. Standing across the threshold were two men with APX Alarm shirts and clipboards. I suddenly realized the error I had made.

After the initial greeting, they began their pitch on their system. My thoughts wandered aimlessly as I tried to feign interest and landed finally on the fact that I was wearing nothing more than a pair of boxer shorts. To make matters worse, my hair was a mess from the unexpected nap that had found me not an hour before.

As the first guy rambled on about something that should have been interesting, my mind also recalled the alternative magazine and empty beer bottles strewn about the kitchen table.

My attention was suddenly back on them and I noticed that they seemed as anxious to go as I was for them to leave.

They won't be back.

Uno Mas Cerveza Por Favor

"Hello, my name is Muffin...and I'm an alcoholic.

Logical Embarrassment

The lady who owns the pawn shop on the corner by my house approached me and said, "I'll keep an eye on your house during the day if you watch out for taggers at night." 

Let's evaluate this.

I'm not home during the day because I work. As a human being, I tend to enjoy several hours of sleep at some time, and it is professionally frowned upon to do so in the office. After work and my daily tasks, I generally fall physically exhausted onto my bed. 

Surprisingly, this coincides with the time the sun sets, but yes, I'll stay awake and watch for people spray-painting the side of your pawn shop, which in-and-of itself has a fantastic reputation for being a clean, well-maintained portion of any city. 

I've decided to tag it myself tonight.

I Can't Cry Anymore

I was watching television the other day. Which I rarely do. And this commercial came on...and I started to cry. Now, before I tell you what the commercial was about. There was one point in time recently that I decided I had no emotions left inside of me at all. And then the Juicy Juice commercial aired on television and I lost it. If I weren't blogging from a computer that despises You Tube, I would find it for you. But, if you ever get the chance...it was the sweetest commercial I have ever seen. Thanks Juicy Juice for proving to me that I still have feelings left inside of this cold, sometimes heartbroken, usually intoxicated body.

Think Before Speaking

So, I was sitting at the bar last night. Surprise, surprise. This lady walked by and I instantly vocalized what was going on in my head.

"She's such a monster."

Some call it being a Bitch. I call it speaking my mind.

*Note to self: Think before speaking.

One Global Warming, Please

This morning, we landed at LAX and went outside to catch the Hertz shuttle, at which point we found a surprisingly empty arrival zone. After waiting for what seemed like ages (without so much as a passing tumbleweed), a Los Angeles Bomb Squad truck raced by at an unsettling speed... away from the airport. 

Doesn't a man in uniform typically arrive just before that point and kindly ask everyone to remain calm like in the movies? 

Apparently not.

We walked to the rental lot.