Trick or Treat!

It took more than a little persuasion to get my friends to finally agree to throw a Halloween party with me. Now it has become a hit, and even though they still reluctantly agree every year to help me host it, I seem to convince them. This year, however, I am scheduled to be out of town on Halloween. Suddenly, Halloween is their favorite holiday and they can't wait to throw the party (and then rub it in that I won't be there). Bitter? Yes, but at what point did this turn into High School?

Some Things Never Change

I am quitting my day job to become a professional sheetrock mudder. And of course I will still remain a professional smoker and drinker by night. That will never change.

No, I Don't Need a Seeing Eye Dog.

I was sitting at the bar last night, as I usually do on days that end in 'y'. And this gentleman that was sitting next to us starts talking to us. I was trying not to pay attention to him because I found him to be particularly obnoxious. He confirmed my beliefs by having the following conversation with me.

Obnoxious Man: "Can you read lips?"

Me: Blank stare

Obnoxious Man: Continues to pull down his bottom lip to reveal a tattoo that reads "F*ck You"

Me: "Can you read hand gestures?" As I quickly extended my middle finger.

Seriously. Of all the tattoos. Why?

Istanbul not Constantinople?

I went out with a boy the other day...after our night we were texting each other and he continued to tell me that when he got home "I had a cute black girl waiting for me here. Think I'll sleep on the couch with her tonight. Her name is Penny." Instantly I pictured a small Ethiopian woman that this incredibly attractive man I had just spent the evening with was going to snuggle up on the couch with that night instead of me. Yes, I was slightly jealous. It was not until days later that I realized Penny was his dog. Which, by the way, makes him that much more attractive.

Let's Give Them Something To Talk About

I just got this idea that drunk blogging might be kind of fun. Because I think I am pretty damn special while intoxicated. And, I might actually have something to talk about...

Filthy Gorgeous

I have this new habit of sleeping with earplugs in. My house is generally very quiet, my roommate hardly makes a peep, and I have never had such an urge in the past. Why now, you ask? Well, I just saw some at Walgreen's and thought, "Ooh! earplugs!"

Calling Dr. John's

I was watching television the other day. I live in a fairly reserved state and could not believe the commercial that I randomly encountered while watching Pride and Prejudice. It was a commercial promoting dildo's. There slogan was:

Sometimes Harder is Not Always Better.

It was accompanied with a picture of a jack hammer and a feather.

I am not sure that I quite agree with them.