Calm Down Girl

I was explaining to Punkin this morning that when I woke up this morning I immediately started crying and I couldn't stop and I didn't know why. After I got thinking about it, I do know why...I just chose to erase it out of my memory, but I would be glad to share it with you.

I have decided to take a few days off of the bottle. I have decided that it would probably be very good for my health....emotionally and physically.

I use my cell phone as my alarm clock in the morning, so not only does it take the risk of getting chucked across the room every morning, but I get the opportunity of seeing if anyone called or texted me while I was asleep. I woke up this morning to a text message:

"Where are you drinking tonight?" It was sent at 1 in the morning, when...mind you...I was fast asleep.

What the fuck does that mean? Are you implying that I go out drinking every mother fucking night? I was offended and starting crying and couldn't stop...and didn't make it into work until about 3 hours later.

I think this time off will do me some good. I am not saying how long it is going to last. I just said that I would take some time off. I am going on day three.

Good Eats

I feel like a fat-ass today. I ate a Kashi Pumpkin Spice Flax granola bar for breakfast, a chocolate protein shake for lunch, and a coke zero and stick of orbit gum for dinner, but then watched a television program on the national pie making contest, another one showing Alton Brown creating some kind of stuffing-filled squash, and then a third show investigating the origins of the Milky Way candy bar and the french dip sandwich. That doesn't even touch the cake orgy I viewed last night (see. I feel like purging just from the food on TV. Help.

I'm Working 9 to 5

I travel quite frequently for work. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she tends to worry when I go out of town because sometimes I am by myself . I told her not to worry because I was with Punkin and everything was going to be alright. I proceeded to tell her that rumor had it our hotel was not in a very nice part of town and that she had nothing to worry about.

She told me that I should start checking out the virtual Google maps before I book my hotel rooms so I know what the neighborhood is like before I go. And my response was...

"Mom, it still won't show the hookers standing on the corner."

"Yes it will Muffin, if they work 24 hours a day."

Trick or Treat!

It took more than a little persuasion to get my friends to finally agree to throw a Halloween party with me. Now it has become a hit, and even though they still reluctantly agree every year to help me host it, I seem to convince them. This year, however, I am scheduled to be out of town on Halloween. Suddenly, Halloween is their favorite holiday and they can't wait to throw the party (and then rub it in that I won't be there). Bitter? Yes, but at what point did this turn into High School?

Some Things Never Change

I am quitting my day job to become a professional sheetrock mudder. And of course I will still remain a professional smoker and drinker by night. That will never change.

No, I Don't Need a Seeing Eye Dog.

I was sitting at the bar last night, as I usually do on days that end in 'y'. And this gentleman that was sitting next to us starts talking to us. I was trying not to pay attention to him because I found him to be particularly obnoxious. He confirmed my beliefs by having the following conversation with me.

Obnoxious Man: "Can you read lips?"

Me: Blank stare

Obnoxious Man: Continues to pull down his bottom lip to reveal a tattoo that reads "F*ck You"

Me: "Can you read hand gestures?" As I quickly extended my middle finger.

Seriously. Of all the tattoos. Why?

Istanbul not Constantinople?

I went out with a boy the other day...after our night we were texting each other and he continued to tell me that when he got home "I had a cute black girl waiting for me here. Think I'll sleep on the couch with her tonight. Her name is Penny." Instantly I pictured a small Ethiopian woman that this incredibly attractive man I had just spent the evening with was going to snuggle up on the couch with that night instead of me. Yes, I was slightly jealous. It was not until days later that I realized Penny was his dog. Which, by the way, makes him that much more attractive.