Touch Up

I got a tattoo a few weeks back. I love it, I really do. Although, I was really drunk when I got it and I don't remember if it hurt or not. It has been about a month and it is about time for a touch up. So, I made myself an appointment...but I also planned on going to the bar before my appointment, because the thought of it just makes me want to throw-up.

So, here I am. Sitting at the bar. I had approximately 6 beers and 4 shots in a span of about 15 minutes...and not to mention a to-go cup in my car ready to take with me to the tattoo shop. I stumbled over to the shop and sat in the chair...AND HE COULDN'T EVEN DO THE TOUCH UP!!! It hasn't healed all the way yet. What? I have to get drunk in 15 minutes again???

HELLLOO!!!!

I have missed this blog like a martini misses olives, like tequila misses a lime, like whiskey misses coke, like I am missing a beer right now! And good GOD that's a lot!

I am glad to be back, boy do I have some stories for you!

Sweet God it's almost Friday

Muffin: "Where Are You?"

Me: "At the intersection of I-15 and the doorway to Hell. So, like 5 minutes away."

Muffin: "Ok... I might shoot myself before then."

Bring on the weekend, bitches!

This Friday night Muffin and I are going bar hopping. First of all, it's my friend's b-day week (he just turned 21) so we need to let him experience what a shitshow public intoxication is. Drinking with Muffin is pretty fucking fun every time and I'm excited. Also, drinking is fun. In general.

That being said, I'm not sure how much motivation I'm going to have for the next 2 days.

Shit here we go again...

Muffin and I were just chillin' here at the office and decided we really need to make an effort on this blog. We fucking rocked and were/are hilarious. Amen.

-Punkin

WTF?

What the hell happened? We were funny?

I Love you Punkin!

So, I went out with Punkin' the other day, or last week, or last month...either way, it is irrelevant to my story. Oh how I love drinkin' a beer with Punkin'. And, for some reason that is irrelevant to the story as well. Our conversation went as follows:

Punkin: Oh my God! Did you hear that he had to have his legs amputated because of his diabetes?

Me: Oh My God! Did you hear that he died today?

Calm Down Girl

I was explaining to Punkin this morning that when I woke up this morning I immediately started crying and I couldn't stop and I didn't know why. After I got thinking about it, I do know why...I just chose to erase it out of my memory, but I would be glad to share it with you.

I have decided to take a few days off of the bottle. I have decided that it would probably be very good for my health....emotionally and physically.

I use my cell phone as my alarm clock in the morning, so not only does it take the risk of getting chucked across the room every morning, but I get the opportunity of seeing if anyone called or texted me while I was asleep. I woke up this morning to a text message:

"Where are you drinking tonight?" It was sent at 1 in the morning, when...mind you...I was fast asleep.

What the fuck does that mean? Are you implying that I go out drinking every mother fucking night? I was offended and starting crying and couldn't stop...and didn't make it into work until about 3 hours later.

I think this time off will do me some good. I am not saying how long it is going to last. I just said that I would take some time off. I am going on day three.

Good Eats

I feel like a fat-ass today. I ate a Kashi Pumpkin Spice Flax granola bar for breakfast, a chocolate protein shake for lunch, and a coke zero and stick of orbit gum for dinner, but then watched a television program on the national pie making contest, another one showing Alton Brown creating some kind of stuffing-filled squash, and then a third show investigating the origins of the Milky Way candy bar and the french dip sandwich. That doesn't even touch the cake orgy I viewed last night (see. I feel like purging just from the food on TV. Help.

I'm Working 9 to 5

I travel quite frequently for work. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she tends to worry when I go out of town because sometimes I am by myself . I told her not to worry because I was with Punkin and everything was going to be alright. I proceeded to tell her that rumor had it our hotel was not in a very nice part of town and that she had nothing to worry about.

She told me that I should start checking out the virtual Google maps before I book my hotel rooms so I know what the neighborhood is like before I go. And my response was...

"Mom, it still won't show the hookers standing on the corner."

"Yes it will Muffin, if they work 24 hours a day."

Trick or Treat!

It took more than a little persuasion to get my friends to finally agree to throw a Halloween party with me. Now it has become a hit, and even though they still reluctantly agree every year to help me host it, I seem to convince them. This year, however, I am scheduled to be out of town on Halloween. Suddenly, Halloween is their favorite holiday and they can't wait to throw the party (and then rub it in that I won't be there). Bitter? Yes, but at what point did this turn into High School?

Some Things Never Change

I am quitting my day job to become a professional sheetrock mudder. And of course I will still remain a professional smoker and drinker by night. That will never change.

No, I Don't Need a Seeing Eye Dog.

I was sitting at the bar last night, as I usually do on days that end in 'y'. And this gentleman that was sitting next to us starts talking to us. I was trying not to pay attention to him because I found him to be particularly obnoxious. He confirmed my beliefs by having the following conversation with me.

Obnoxious Man: "Can you read lips?"

Me: Blank stare

Obnoxious Man: Continues to pull down his bottom lip to reveal a tattoo that reads "F*ck You"

Me: "Can you read hand gestures?" As I quickly extended my middle finger.

Seriously. Of all the tattoos. Why?

Istanbul not Constantinople?

I went out with a boy the other day...after our night we were texting each other and he continued to tell me that when he got home "I had a cute black girl waiting for me here. Think I'll sleep on the couch with her tonight. Her name is Penny." Instantly I pictured a small Ethiopian woman that this incredibly attractive man I had just spent the evening with was going to snuggle up on the couch with that night instead of me. Yes, I was slightly jealous. It was not until days later that I realized Penny was his dog. Which, by the way, makes him that much more attractive.

Let's Give Them Something To Talk About

I just got this idea that drunk blogging might be kind of fun. Because I think I am pretty damn special while intoxicated. And, I might actually have something to talk about...

Filthy Gorgeous

I have this new habit of sleeping with earplugs in. My house is generally very quiet, my roommate hardly makes a peep, and I have never had such an urge in the past. Why now, you ask? Well, I just saw some at Walgreen's and thought, "Ooh! earplugs!"

Calling Dr. John's

I was watching television the other day. I live in a fairly reserved state and could not believe the commercial that I randomly encountered while watching Pride and Prejudice. It was a commercial promoting dildo's. There slogan was:

Sometimes Harder is Not Always Better.

It was accompanied with a picture of a jack hammer and a feather.

I am not sure that I quite agree with them.

E-I-E-I-O

So, since my cute little Punkin of a partner is temporarily out of blogging service, I guess I will just keep on going.

I have been taking these nutrition classes to try to better the food that my body consumes, and in turn could afford to drop a few pounds in the meantime. So, I can tell you so far I have consumed more chickens than Old MacDonald has on his farm. In order to cook this chicken so that it doesn't taste like rubber or dry old cotton I recently purchased a George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine. I went to my local Wal-Mart and picked one up, however I didn't have the chance to use it until I was on my vacation. So, I busted it out of the box and opened it up and it was USED!!! Someone had literally cooked a piece of meat, decided that it wasn't that mean of a machine after all and returned it to the store without washing it...and Wal-Mart instantly put it back on the shelf for Muffin to buy.

I was mortified. So, I cleaned it, cooked my chicken on it and returned it back to Wal-Mart.

Common Courtesy

I had the opportunity to spend a weekend at Lake Powell with my slightly crazy, hectic family. I was riding on the tube with my 7 year old nephew and as we were being bumped and pulled around, the conversation went as follows:

"Muffin, how much do you weigh?"

"Hasn't your mother taught you that you shouldn't ask women how much they weigh? Why do you want to know?"

"Because this tube can only handle 500 pounds."

"I am pretty sure that we will be alright."

Sometimes You Are The Dog, Sometimes You Are The Tree.

So, I ran into a kid that I went to Elementary, Jr. High and High School with. We talked about some people that we knew, memories and all of that good shit. And then I had this weird feeling that he didn't really remember me, I just remember him.

"Do you remember who I am?"

"Of course I do, you were the only girl in 5th grade with big boobs."

Now, I slightly regret asking him.